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Dear Diary...

Today I am stressed out. Mainly because tomorrow I start the new job and I'm not sure how it's going to go. Also, tomorrow is going to be stupidly long. I don't know why I have so much anxiety regarding tomorrow, it doesn't make any sense. I'm going on vacation Thursday, I should be all excited, but...I think it's just worry regarding how long it will be.

I mean, I even did everything I had to do today. I got all packed, I made more juice for my e-cigs, I got all my laundry finished. I got my taxi schedule (for 5 o'clock in the bloody morning.) I dunno, I'm just all jittery.

I'm sure once I hit the gym tomorrow night I'll be feeling great and happy and fabulous. Hell, once I finish this final I'm about to take I'll probably be a lot less jumpy.

On the upside showed Brian some of my progress pics. He was very impressed it sounds like. Especially with how well my back is coming along. Been doing great. Still got the belly, but that shit is stubborn and always the last to go. It will come in its time.

Oh, and Walgreens totally fucked up my prescription. I was right. And...now I can let that go, lol.

ETA: Ah, diary, you come through again. Getting my thoughts down helped me realize that I'm having some fear about not knowing what tomorrow's group experience will bring. And you know what. Fuck fear. I'm going to blow that group outta the water.


Dear Diary...

Sorry I've been ignoring you lately, I've been stupid busy.

Life is going well. I accepted that group facilitation position and am looking forwards to it. Yesterday we had a St. paddy's day party and it was fun. I got to dance, and freak people out by drinking egg whites.

The gym continues to go extremely well. New personal best today, 315# hex bar deadlifts, 5 reps, very proud of myself!!

Well, I'll continue on being fabulous!

dear diary...

Legs day at the gym today, went really well, threw in a set of hack squats to mix things up a bit then hit the stairmaster, which made me think I was going to die.

But I soldiered on and got my cardio done.

I turned down the managerial position, the program is too screwed and they weren't going to pay me what I deserve. Interestingly after I made that decision I got a call from Eric with an offer for a part time gig co-facilitating a group with the Kane County court system. I'm strongly considering accepting it, it would he major good experience and money, which wouldn't hurt anything, and I think I could work it into my schedule.

Looks like a big storm is headed our way tomorrow. I'm hoping against hope that classes will be cancelled again, I could use another night off, lol.

The last pieces of my Ostara swap came in today, I'm excited to get them all packed up and sent out, I think my BB is going to love it.

In other news I've been stuffing myself, trying to reach my calorie goals. It's hard, especially on cardio days, but I'm going to get pretty close, if not meet it.

So, in general, things are going very well. I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings. It's a good feeling.

Dear Diary...

Well, decent day today.

I totally caved and bought Coral Snake. I have no remorse. Yay! Better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

Today was day 2 of the Chris Gethin 12 week program I'm doing. Chest and Tris. It was good. Learned a new exercise, the straight arm pullover. Definitely seeing strength improvements. Today I hit the gym twice, per Brian's suggestion. Hit chest and tris both times, but different routines. Glad I got a chance, hoping to be able to hit it twice every day this weekend.

Therapy today was good. Talked about the potential of accepting the job. Alan says I would be amazing and he thinks I could handle it. Then I talked to Kim, and apparently they want to give us a 3500 dollar raise to do it. Yeah, double it and I might (MIGHT) think about it. I'm worth more than that, especially after a decade with the agency. Probably for the best, I don't need the added stress. The programs probably going to collapse, in which case I will gladly take unemployment until my internship is over and I move.

Speaking of moving, Alan recommended that I not tell my mom that I'm going on vacation. I think it's a good plan. Just making my own decisions, and if she has a problem with it, well, that's her problem now. I'm not owning her shit anymore, I have enough of my own, thank you.

Today I made delicious turkey chili. I am excited. It is pretty yummy. I'm kinda tired.


Dear Diary...

Today was interesting. But good interesting I suppose.

Danielle kinda threw a hissy fit, a very quiet one, I'll give her, and quit. Like, for real, done quit. I always thought it would be me losing my mind and quitting first. However when I tell people that they have all said, "You'd never really do that, you're too dependable and you care too much." This is...a good thing...I think?

Anyways. They essentially offered me the management position, with the plan to make it a team managerial position. It would be Kim and I. I think it could work. I told them they would have to pay me A LOT more money. They didn't say no. I don't know if I want to go back into management, especially with the current state of the program, my upcoming internship, school and my gym goals. The more I think about it, the worse of a plan it seems. Hell, it almost killed me last time. Well, the stress led to me almost killing myself. 6 of 1 half dozen of the other, I suppose.

Today I started Chris Gethin's 12 week workout plan. Destroyed my legs a bit. Had to back off on leg presses because it felt like my knee was going to pop through the skin. I spose pressing over 240lbs over and over will do that to you. I also did hack squats for the first time, which I liked, although not as much as regular squats. I like this workout plan, but think I'm going to have to do some adding on my own, since Brian wants me lifting twice a day when I can. I've decided that I should be able to manage it on the weekends, but during the week it's not going to happen. And you know what? That's fine. I am perfectly fine with that. I'm making strong progress towards my goals, and that's what matters. That being said, I don't think I will mind lifting twice a day during the weekend either. Oh, to be rich and not have to work.

Today was the great Carnival Diabolique 'clearing the shelves' sale from BPAL on Etsy. I am very happy, not to mention proud of myself, I only bought 3 bottles, Theodosius the Legerdemain, Wulric the Wolf Man and Asp Viper (almond and snake oil, holy shit, I'm in heaven). I totally wanted to buy like, at least 3 more bottle, but I put the kibosh on that, because I have to be somewhat good...and pay off the gym. Which I need to do in the morning....The sale itself was very exciting and actually got my adrenaline pumping. How silly that such a little thing can be so much fun.

Anyways, that's about all that's going on. This weekend will be spent considering the job offer, working my butt off, testing new BPAL's (my first round of Lupers showed up today and they kick all kinds of ass, I think they may all be winners!!) and cooking. Jen is off on vacation and things between Jay and I have actually been going pretty well (knock on wood) so with those happy thoughts I'm signing off, going to make some food, and watching House.

Night night diary!! Don't let the flesh eating demon babies kill you.

dear diary...

Blast off today!

Dear Diary...

Worked out with Brian today, it was good.

Then went for my internship interview, which I managed to be late to, but I still got it, which is awesome because it's an incredibly competitive program, so I'm very proud of myself. Kinda worried, because it means a 25 hour a week commitment on top of my full time job and training, but that just means that for 10 months I'm going to be FUCKING BUSY. And I'm going to come out of it even better and stronger than I am now. Eric complimented me on my composure and poise during the interview, and when I mentioned that I was feeling better, both physically and mentally than I ever have he said he could tell. Glad that it shows.

This weekend is going to be busy, 2 papers to get done, going to kill back and shoulders at the gym tomorrow and then Brian is going to work my legs to death. I can't wait. So, library, gym, eating, that's my weekend. I'm fine with that. And then the papers will be done and I can coast the rest of the quarter and then vacation! Yay! Going to Seattle in 1 month! Can't farking wait!!!!!!!!

Pulled the trigger today on some other things. Pretty excited about that. It will be interesting, but I'm going into it with eyes wide open and I'm going to shine even brighter.

All in all not a bad day.


Dear Diary...

Hmm...decreased need for sleep...increased goal directed activity...irritability...crap...


Dear Diary...

Well, looking into trying something new. I will admit, there is some trepidation to trying anything new, but this seems to be something that I really want to do, after much thought. But, still, trepidation.

Alan asked me, last week, if I thought perhaps I was in a hypomanic state. Being that I've never been diagnosed as bipolar (or cyclothymic) it was an interesting question. I think...it's probably just work. And my natural impulsitivity. And insomnia. Which has actually been better this past week, kinda, sorta.

I dunno. I hope my tax return gets here soon. Money doesn't solve everything, but it sure can make things better! Must pay bills. Must pay bills. Must save some.

Must treat myself too, otherwise, what's the point of life?

Dear Diary...